Post by Robbie Bourbon on Dec 18, 2018 16:55:09 GMT -8
Robbie Bourbon recently found out that he had to save Christmas again at the request of Jesus Christ, which is typical. This time, Krampus is threatening a woman Robbie associates with, which again, seems typical.
Typical, typical, typical.
KRAMPUS
We open to see Robbie Bourbon, along with Cyberjaw, Diamondback, Joe Biden, Axe Mannix, Murphy, Todd Pettingill, Mini Morbid, and Gary the Alligator Man, all standing together in the lobby of a hotel. Festively decorated with wreaths, lights, holly, bows, and a massive Christmas tree, guests at the hotel traverse back and forth as the camera focuses squarely on the 9 men all situated just perfectly so they all line up in the shot in a really cool cinematic way, Robbie front and center.
This is where she's staying.
I know, we discussed that on the ride here.
I'm hungry, I'm going to go find a vending machine.
Cool.
So, are you going to go save her, be her champion, and start dating that sweet, sweet rich Australian chick?
What? Look, I'ma deal with whatever is up there, but...
Robbie sighs.
Look, lets us not write a narrative about my love life.
But...
But nothing. You guys wait here, if I need help I'll call.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Hyep. We don't have powers or anything, and you didn't tell us about some cool plan you might have, so we were just going to play hide and seek throughout the hotel.
No, Joe, we're going to wait here in the lobby.
Whatever, just, uh, chillax and let me handle this.
Robbie steps away from the Bourbon Men and approaches a set of elevator doors. He presses a button and looks at himself in the mirror, his Santa cap crooked on top of his mask. He smiles. A chime is heard and one of the elevator doors opens. Robbie enters and presses "11". The doors close and Robbie leans against the wall of the elevator car. He pulls out his phone and doddles with it, and with a chime the doors open. Robbie steps out. He walks down the hall and stops at a door. He slides in the keycard, and opens it.
From within the hotel room, we see Robbie Bourbon enter. Standing at the window is the woman from earlier. She turns, her eyes blood red.
Ah, Robbie Bourbon, here to embody the spirit of Christmas yet again, huh!
Her voice has changed drastically, no longer an Australian accent but deep and gravely.
I will destroy you for your wickedness this year, Robbie! I do not forget, I do not forgive! I am Krampus!
Krampus, having possessed the woman, hurls a king sized bed at Robbie. The bed harmlessly careens through a holographic projection of Robbie and nails a sofa, both toppling over in this penthouse suite. Krampus looks confusedly at the holographic projection of Robbie.
What, how?
With that, the glass balcony door hidden behind a pair of curtains explodes and Robbie Bourbon crashes through a cascade of broken glass, appearing right behind Krampus.
Christmas surprise!
Robbie wraps up Krampus in a reverse bearhug.
Let her go, demon!
Yes...
Robbie lets Krampus go, confused.
Wait, did you say...
I should have a much stronger host.
The mouth of the woman opens wide as a black smoke pours out of it, swirling, and shooting itself straight towards Robbie's nostrils. Robbie opens his mouth as if to scream and the smoke pours in through there. At last, the smoke stops billowing and is nowhere to be seen in the room. The woman stands and looks around.
Oy, Raw-bee, I dewn't feel sao gud...
Robbie's body goes from lying on the carpet to upright hinging entirely on his feet in an unnatural way. The woman shrieks and runs as Robbie opens his eyes, which are blood red.
Wait, wait!
She will not wait for us.
Damnit, what are you thinking?
Well, it is Christmas, and that young lady is no longer in peril from Krampus, is she not?
Uh, yeah, I guess so, but...
But there have been a lot of naughty people out there, Robbie, and I require a host to punish them. We will punish them.
Uh, okay, I don't know what you had in mind...
Robbie's left eye reverts back to normal.
Just think about it, Robbie. Who needs to be punished?
Robbie smirks.
The scene changes drastically to show the inside of a prison cell. In an orange jumpsuit, Martin Shkreli sits, looking bored, probably thinking of all those Christmas days of yore when he wasn't locked up. The lights flicker, and when they come back up, we see Robbie Krampus. Shkreli shrieks like a goat.
C'mere you sumbitch.
Robbie grabs Martin Shkreli and pulls him to the toilet in the prison cell. Robbie dunks his head and gives him a swirly.
Five hundo and maybe you'll survive this, asshole!
The scene changes drastically in this montage to show Mohammed bin Salman, Saudi Crown Prince, preparing to dive into a massive swimming pool. He slides some goggles down over his eyes, when suddenly, behind him, we see Robbie Krampus. Robbie slugs the prince, who flops into the pool.
No you don't you little sumbitch!
Robbie dives into the water and swims after MBS. He catches him in a headlock and starts to dunk him under the water.
No press is bad press you piece of shit!
The scene changes drastically in this montage to show Donald Trump in the oval office. He seems to be utterly perplexed by how to operate a ball and paddle while physically ignoring a room full of aides and advisors. Suddenly, the aides and advisors all bolt as Robbie Krampus arrives.
Come here you little shit!
Robbie grabs Trump and bends him over the desk of the oval office and starts to give him a spanking. Not a sexy spanking, it's actually pretty awkward and cringeworthy to see a man spank another grown man with his hands as punishment.
Seriously, how have you not been banned from Twitter even once?
The scene changes yet again. We see a group of
Shit! I can't go to jail, I have a match for the Xtreme Title, I gotta give the Universe a better champion!
I can get us out of here, just...
With that, a gunshot cuts the air, and we see the bullet collide with Robbie's temple, knocking him out cold as the spent bullet drops harmlessly to the ground.
The camera, sensing Robbie's activity, turns back on.
Robbie sits up and looks around. He's in a cozy antique sofa. On the wall in bright neon letters reads "THE PUSSY PALACE". Robbie glances at the sign, then the other quaint little sofa, then to a coffee table adorned with several bongs, pipes, and ashtrays, then to an intricate wall of cat furniture, with a bevy of cats loitering about on it. Robbie gets to his feet and rubs his head.
Where am I?
Where are we? I do not sense...
Please, stay seated.
A voice happens over an intercom.
Who are you?
My name isn't important, Robbie.
Okay. Where am I.
The Pussy Palace.
Oh, okay. If I'm not backstage at a strip club I will be very confused.
You aren't.
Then I am very confused.
Uh, hold on.
The speaker the voice was coming from cuts out. A door opens, and in walks a woman. Robbie's eyes go wide.
I could punish that.
Hushabee.
Hello, Robbie. We have noticed what you've been doing, and the fact you're embodying the spirit of Christmas, and not consumerism, is extremely exciting to us.
What do you mean "us", and who are you lady?
Firstly, I am not a lady. I do not identify as a woman. It's okay, though, you didn't know, but please don't guess at my pronouns just because I look this way.
Well, uh, shit, sorry I guess.
It's okay, try not to make that mistake again.
Well if you won't tell me who you are, why am I here?
I represent a certain organization, Robbie, that wishes to see the people you punish be taken from power. That power belongs in the hands of the people!
Fuck yeah it does! You're kinda cool, except for the whole bringing me someplace without telling me who the hell you are, which is strange!
Hahaha, thank you Robbie.
Their cheeks jiggle as they laugh at Robbie's reaction, seemingly unphased by any sign of danger he might just be in at the Pussy Palace. They clasp their hands together warmly, in the least sinister way imaginable.
So, we saw you were in trouble, just know that if you ever need a hand, there are others out there looking out for the people.
Sweet!
Suddenly, everybody's phone starts to buzz. Robbie pulls his, they pull theirs, and both recoil.
Uh...
This is interesting.
A young man runs into the room.
"Hey! A meteor is on a collision course with earth!"
We saw.
They and the young man look up at Robbie.
So it's finally happening. Everybody is going to get punished because of how awful our society is!
What? No, that's, um, look, this is a scientific thing, very coincidental with the holidays, but...
No, this is the sign that we can't save society. All of it will burn up.
What do you mean? Like, I'm sure there are...
Robbie pauses to think for a moment. Both eyes turn blood red.
We got it.
Robbie rushes past they and the young man and out the door. He rushes down a hallway, and out a door onto the streets of Richmond. Robbie looks up and sees what billions are staring at, the visage of a killer meteor from space about to strike.
This is not my forte, Robbie.
Consider it your punishment. All these years and you never got anybody any presents. Tsk, tsk.
Quite.
Robbie crouches, then bounds, headed directly towards the meteor. The camera keep suit and follows along.
Blackwater.
Your powers.
You were quick to defend the fact you have them, that they're what makes you special, and that they define you as a champion. I stand by what I said earlier.
Your powers are not relevant. Your powers aren't shit to me, kiddo, no matter how much you self aggrandize stating how pretty you are, what you do, blah blah fucking blah.
Bring them to the ring, see how much you can do and how little it means, because I am not a fucking obstacle. No, no, not at all, Donovan. I am the answer, and I am the solution, I am the peace of mind that comes to the question "who's going to beat the shit out of Donovan Blackwater and become the next Xtreme Champion".
Now I have thought, and thought, and thought about it, and you know what? I don't want to just bring you lumps of coal in your stocking. I want to bring you a new set of powers! Oh, lookit me! Handing out true, new gifts for you to enjoy Donny!
For starters, lets talk about the power of elasticity. Did you know Donovan Blackwater has the same properties as rubber? Watch as I bounce him off the fucking floor, dribbling his carcass like I was trying out for the Harlem Globetrotters! Not only that, but dozens, if not hundreds, often use him as a condom, and he has recieved more ejaculate than half the sperm banks on the eastern seaboard. From chimps.
And seriously, did you reference Penthouse Forum? It's 2018, people don't masturbate to that anymore. More people masturbate to the thought of you getting raped by chimps.
Then there's the power of astral projection! Did you know Donovan Blackwater will be capable of out of body experiences? One Robbiebomb and he won't be in this plane of existence for a little while, off in the dream world, while some doofus in a black and white striped shirt counts to three. Those shoulders might be on the mat, Donny, but hey, you're on the path to enlightenment here, and that's what matters.
Ooh, did we mention the power of telepathy? Donovan Blackwater is going to tell everybody in the fucking universe that Robbie Bourbon, that Malicious Monster, that Bodacious Brute, the High Holy Hypocrite, ain't nothing to fuck with without uttering a single word.
They'll know by looking at what I leave of you in the ring as I head to the back to defend my Xtreme Championship.
With that, Robbie Krampus cocks his hand back and punches the meteor, which explodes into bits!