|
Post by engy on Sept 12, 2018 13:33:59 GMT -8
In the interest of keeping things active and interesting in this tough time as we await our main boards reopening, I wanted to open a thread for promo feedback, advice, etc... Shortly before the main boards closed for revision Shane posted a poll that revealed hardly anybody read anybody else's stuff. Well, I'm willing to read YOUR stuff and give you feedback, if you want it. And I encourage others to do the same right here in this thread.
A cautionary note: I am not on staff (aside from match writing), and what I value may not necessary be what staff looks for in determining match winners, though there will likely be some overlap. In other words, I can't guarantee that if you follow my advice it'll be some magic key to success and you'll win every match. But I have been fedding for quite some time and have had some success here, so I probably at least somewhat know what I'm talking about. Also, I'll give constructive feedback, which could mean stuff I suggest you change. If you're just looking for a good ball washing I'm not your guy.
|
|
|
Post by N.A.Z.I on Sept 12, 2018 15:04:33 GMT -8
Alright. I'll bite. Hit me with some advice. I can't promise I'll totally agree with certain elements that you might want to disregard or change; story wise, since I sort of have a long term picture planned out, in regards to that, but I think you're a damn good writer and quite brilliant in the way that you word things. So I'd appreciate it if some thoughts were given on what I could bring to the table, as far as Nathaniel goes. Even though there might be some story concepts, I might agree with, while others won't, I appreciate honest feedback because it still helps in the long run. As far as story material goes, it might shine a light on how I portray a character or the style that I write in and give a means of understanding, as to how I could alter that to a more favorable quality.
|
|
|
Post by engy on Sept 13, 2018 17:25:34 GMT -8
Oh, I'm not planning to critique people's storylines, especially when I really cannot know where they're headed. I'm more taking stuff at face value and giving advice based on that.
I'm assuming you wanted me to look at your last piece, the one against me? It was honestly quite good and I'm struggling to find room for critique. Some of my critique likely just stems from the fact that I'm not caught up on your work (like how he gets away with being a master surgeon while also being a white supremacist in public, though I understand that in efedding logic can take a backseat to a good story, God knows it often does it my writing).
I personally would have handled the trauma of getting his dick cut off quite differently. I mean that's a pretty big goddamn deal, but I understand you want to keep NAZI steely and determined. Just don't be afraid to show SOME give, it makes for more interesting well rounded characters.
Your language and prose is really, really good. I don't have any constructive feedback on that at all.
As for the promo, again pretty decent with only a couple glaring weak points that I think I covered in Engy's response, haha. I've also always seen people ragging on Engy shortening his moniker to "Engy" as being kind of a cheap grasping at straws shot that doesn't do much for his opponents. You're not the only one who's done it, but generally ragging on people's name in general usually doesn't come off as a strong promo tactic, at least not to me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2018 18:41:34 GMT -8
i guess ill bite as well. its been hard trying to find out how to take my character right now. i was thinking of going with the more heel steen role he's in now just beating the shit out of ppl and combining him with tomasso ciampa's heel run in NXT.
i might write more about maria's training but im not sure i can pull off doing rp's as her and doing my own rp's at the same time so I might scrap the idea..
either way I think Gilly is lost right now..
|
|
|
Post by N.A.Z.I on Sept 13, 2018 21:41:52 GMT -8
Thanks man, I appreciate the feedback.
Yeah. I understand how it seems far fetched, that he can be both a master surgeon and a hardcore nazi but I did cover that in past rps. Just to really show how much of a dork I am, here's the rundown of Nazi's past, per returning to the fed this year. The Cliffs Notes version!
Basically. Nathaniel was tried for treason and being a war criminal. He beat the charges but lost his job. Then he went to Germany for awhile, to reawaken his love for the fatherland and seek motivation in the terms of becoming the next fuhrer. From there, he returned to the United States, but instead of returning to California; which is where I originally had him living in the past(2013-2014 era), he moved to Chicago and picked up work at the Cook County Medical Examiner's Office. The only place he could find work and still use his knowledge as a surgeon. When he returned though, he was different, he had become a werewolf and couldn't control his transformation. He was bitten by a werewolf in Germany, I slightly touched base on that but plan on actually diving into the full story, in a flashback later on. Anyway, he was at a loss for a bit, no control over turning into a savage beast, stuck working for a morgue. Enter Azrael. The spaceman not only helped him regain control over the wolf but used his massive collection of favors with people in high places, to get Nathaniel his career as a surgeon back. While Nathaniel doesn't return to California, he obtains a career as a surgeon in Chicago, working for Presence Resurrection Medical Center. Sasha Isles, introduces herself and reveals that she recognizes him from his previous career in the XWF but swears secrecy. Later, the Chief Surgical Resident also mentions that he knows about Nathaniel's past, but in his case, he's referring to Nathaniel being a white supremacist with a pure German heritage and direct lineage to the Nazis of WW2 (Nathaniel's grandfather fought for Hitler). He's also aware of his past legal troubles. Yet, the man doesn't make a big deal about it. In fact, he even invites Nathaniel to his home for dinner with a few of the board members, so that Nathaniel might make a few "connections" and maybe even fast track his career even further. It seems strange but later it's revealed that the Chief Surgical Resident and a few of the board members, also know Nathaniel is a werewolf. This happens after Nathaniel left the dinner party, so he's supposed to be unaware of this occurring. Which is odd, since it's part of his promo but how else would I reveal this, lol. Anyway, it ends with these rich men celebrating the prospect of "the hunt". That's where I ended the story, so far and plan to pick it up the next time I write as Nathaniel. I just sort of got sidetracked, with the whole losing his dick fiasco.
|
|
|
Post by N.A.Z.I on Sept 13, 2018 22:10:06 GMT -8
To Peter - I believe I know where you catch your troubles. I think maybe you've hit a wall with your character's motives and agenda. From what you wrote just now, I'm not too certain where it differs from some of the other material that you've submitted. I seem to recall Peter bouncing back and forth between this tough, badass that beats the shit out of people and a slightly, friendlier version of that. In truth, I think maybe you really need to step outside of the box with Peter. Maybe not completely reinvent him but possibly tie in something totally unexpected from his past. Someone reemerges and stirs up echos from this past. Opens the closet to Peter's skeletons, so to speak. Then go from there. I'd say get as crazy and unpredictable as possible. The wilder and weirder, the better.
My other thought is that maybe, it's time for Peter to take a momentary break. Why not introduce a new character and start from scratch? You're a creative writer and have produced pieces that showed great imagination. I'm certain this shouldn't be that difficult for you to accomplish.
|
|
|
Post by Nyx Nephthys on Sept 13, 2018 23:40:02 GMT -8
If you are familiar with my work, I wouldn't mind an evaluation, if you have the time.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2018 22:15:05 GMT -8
NAZI - thanks for the advice. i might delve deep into peter's past.. maybe bring up a few friends peter had beef with and see how he handles it. maybe i can bring back sandy Mae or ashley to give peter advice or maybe have them try to get back with peter but peter crumbles and gets sad and tells them he only loves maria and would do anything for her..
i got a few ideas floating around in my head. a new character.. doubt i can do it
|
|